You’re pregnant! … Two simple words that I never imagined would mean this much. Don’t get me wrong, I always dreamed of being a mother and to start a family and was so excited when Ryan and I decided to start “trying.” When I imagined starting a family it always seemed like it would be under my control, when I felt it was “perfect timing” for us and our lives, our careers, our social life. Ryan and I used to try to plan out when would be the right time to start, which ended up being a little over a year after we got married. We didn’t jump right in but instead eased into it, meaning we weren’t mapping out my ovulation from the get-go but started being less careful. A few months passed, and I started to get concerned…why wasn’t it working for us? It was the “perfect time” and Ryan and I were two healthy people with no family history of anything to be concerned about. We tried for a few more months and started to get really impatient and concerned. By that point I had completely cut out alcohol and caffeine, reduced my workout frequency and was eating healthier…but no luck.
Google tells you to wait a full year of trying to conceive before reaching out to a fertility specialist, but by 8 months of trying we knew something was wrong. We were tired of wasting money on ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, etc. and hated having to wait another full month every time we got a negative result (it seriously felt like forever and it consumed our lives).
We researched and found a fertility specialist that we were interested in and I called and made our first appointment. I cried after making that first call to be established as a new patient. I felt like my world was caving in and I felt alone. Why is this happening to me? Why was this happening to us? At that moment, none of our family or friends had ever talked about having issues getting pregnant. Then the guilt set in. I am to blame, and Ryan didn’t deserve this…I am defective.
After going through a ton of diagnostic testing, it was determined that I would need to undergo surgery on one of my fallopian tubes and then once healed, we would proceed to begin an IVF cycle.
Throughout the process I kept thinking of how much time was passing. Every pregnancy announcement that came across my social media feed was so painful. Eventually my thoughts about getting pregnant shifted from “when” to “if”. Each phase of the IVF cycle was new and difficult for me to navigate. It was hard and even though I had an amazing support system within a few close family members, I felt like no one truly understood how I felt…physically and emotionally. But it was worth it to try, and I had to do this for myself and for Ryan. There was no giving up.
In going through this process, I started to realize how many other women were experiencing the exact same thing as myself. I was amazed at how many people I actually knew personally who were also navigating fertility issues that started to share with me once they knew I was going through IVF. I didn’t feel alone anymore, and it actually brought me closer to some friends because we were going through it together.
In May of 2019 we had our first transfer and about two weeks later we finally received the good news! It didn’t seem real and we knew that we were very lucky. … lucky? Its amazing how my mindset changed from feeling defective and “why me?” to lucky and blessed, but that’s exactly how I felt in that moment and still to this day. I thank God for the little miracle growing inside me every day because I know just how lucky we are, and I do not for one second take it for granted knowing there are so many others out there still hoping.
Looking back, I am THANKFUL to have gone through this. Going through this process has taught me so much about myself, how resilient and strong I am, how amazing my body is. It has also shown me how much I would do for my family and how much I truly want and love this baby. It has brought me so much closer with my husband by going through this together. He has been by my side at every single appointment, helped me with every single decision, hugged me while I cried, and loved me fully.
When I first told my mom that I was going through IVF I told her that I felt like the “perfect time” to start our family was passing me by. She told me that eventually when it does happen for us, that I will look back and I will realize that it was perfect timing. Looking at our life at this very moment, I realize that everything truly happened at the right time.